We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
