happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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