I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
be right there i have to get my cape
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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