I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
