somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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