I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
