Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
