none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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