At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
