My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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