I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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