Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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