I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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