Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
