when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
