I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
