fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
