We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
