Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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