i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
