just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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