The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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