gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
