College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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