And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
