I look better un-naked...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
