I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
