Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
this is an emotional support booty call
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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