the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
