Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
