My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
