I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
