Yo dont text me then not text me
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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