Please, let me fuck your mom
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
