she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
