Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
