I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
