ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have already put on my inside pants.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
