Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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