No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize