Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish you could order shots online.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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