Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
