i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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