3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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