he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
