At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
