3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
