i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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