I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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