1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize