there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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