theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
