Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
