Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
