Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Let's get the cat blown out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
