I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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