Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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