My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
