for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
